If love would die along with death, this life wouldn't be so hard. Everyday and night I'm plagued by emptiness because of the pain. Which has left me wounded, with a huge hole in my chest. I can't imagine it ever being filled again. But, I pray for relief from the pain, I pray for peace and rest, so that I can start rebuilding the remaining fragments of my life. There are losses that I can't get over, because they live inside my head, things that will never happen.

See, it was love that propelled me to one of the pits of the world, Death Row. How does one express his deepest sorrow? Where a prayer that spoke of passion and pain and the mysteries of a human heart. How long can it last? The pain inside my heart is so great, it's incomprehensible, and after all this time it still remains that way. I have survived many things, but even now these victories have somehow turned into losses. All the struggling only created a great downward momentum in my life. To which, the speed is increasing rapidly. It seems I have been in this strange world, all alone for awhile. You can only imagine the agony and despair I'm feeling. But deep down where the souls take root, I'm lost inside myself and no-one can here my cry!

Love: What is it? Love isn't something you can control. It doesn't turn itsef on or off. Love is something that just happens; it's there whether we want it or not. Like the love of a father and daughter, the respect that has a physical connection of life, that a father understands. It was love that had me acting reckless. Raging against my better judgement, leaving my heart broken.

My understanding of love is trust, sharing pain and misery, going through everything together, showing compassion, building a strong relationship. But on 4-12-98 I found out that love hurts. Nothing in life could have prepared me for this. There wasn't any warning, no preparation or explanation at all. The betrayal cut so deep it hurt to breathe. I cannot put it into words, because every time I do it brings me to my knees, knocking me off balance! Even though my freedom is taken, I will never join the opressors in cultivating the pleasure of hatred. Before I end I leave this: To love someone is to care about that persons fate. Believe it or not, I cared about the young lady, because I love her deeply.


John Yates